Something new is always good, right? I certainly think so. If you do too, keep reading. If not, continue reading; you won’t want to miss this one.
Well, some people think that the only thing I’m good at is sex and cracking rude jokes about it. While both are true – and I am very good at both – I do have a refined side to me.
For instance, if you read one of my most recent blogs, you know that I have a taste for classic movies. If you’ve read my other stuff, you are aware that I have a lot of knowledge about and respect for e-commerce entrepreneurs. Yes, the ones I like the best sell some of my favorite sex toys and lube (side note: look up Adam and Eve.com’s current specials) but am deeper than some give me credit for.
To give you another example, I have a lot of appreciation for the fine works of sexually provocative art from all over the world. You might think that you’ve heard and seen it all, but I have found some of the wackiest sculptures, temples, and other sensual artistry in locations where you’d never imagine they would be.
Ephesian Artemis
Ever seen Total Recall, and I mean the ’90s version with Arnold ‘The Stud’ Schwarzenegger, not the crappy remake with Colin fucking Farrell? Anyway, in the original version, we were treated to the first-ever depiction of a three-breasted Martian hooker.
Sadly, there is no modern woman who looks like that, and there isn’t a porn equivalent. Believe me, I’ve thoroughly checked, and no such authentic smut exists. However, it seems like our forefathers had a similar idea only better a couple of thousand years ago.
Located in the Temple of Artemis in Athens, this more than twenty breasted fertility statue is carved out of wood and sure as hell gave me wood. That may sound messed up, but look it up. And yes, I know that there are some academics like Robert Fleischer who don’t think that they are apart of her dress or something.
But you look at this multi-titted goddess and tell me you don’t see a smorgasbord of milk sacks.
The garden of earthly delights
I know we all think of the Middle Ages as a time of sexual repression because, well, it really was. But that does not mean there were a few artists who got away with some adult-themed artistry from time to time as long as they added a religious theme to them.
And no, I am not talking about all of the guys whose names inspired the Ninja Turtles who made statues of nude dudes.
At the end of the 1400s, Hieronymus Bosch came out with triptych, which will make your dick thick. The first and the third in the series aren’t really worth mentioning as they focus on boring shit like the Garden of Eden and Judgment Day. But what’s most impressive and arousing is the largest central piece, the earthly delight section.
If you think that people make perverted adult material now, you should check this panel of porn out. Besides the scores of people wearing only birthday suits, there are skinny dippers, orgies on (but not with) horses, people eating giant fruit, or even shoving it inside them. To make things even weirder, there are frolicking fornicators riding enormous kingfishers, griffins, and other mythological creatures as well as several other group sex scenes on top of, with, or somehow involving objects too obscure to describe.
Make sure you look it up on your home computer or some other device with a big screen and look at it in full resolution. I especially recommend this if you are looking for inspiration for your next erotic novel or professional porn script.
Whatever the case, this Alice in Wonderland meets Salvador Dali meets porn by Joone is truly something to behold. Ten points to you if you can find the guy flying away with someone’s cherry.
Kanamara Matsuri festival
Okay, this is not a work of art but instead a holiday, but I couldn’t help myself but include it here.
Have you ever thought that there should be a festival for you, or rather manliness, or really your manhood? Okay, that’s my birthday every year, but it can be everyone’s in a sense thanks to Kanamara Matsuri — the annual Japanese celebration of penises.
Yes, read that again if you want, but it really is a festival all about the big bad phallus. It’s based on an old Shinto legend about fanged demon hid inside a woman’s vagina (giggity!) who he was infatuated with, which conveniently allowed him to bite off (oy vey!) the two penises of his rivals.
To prevent from being cockblocked (or cock severed?) again, the woman asked a blacksmith to fashion an iron dildo to break the demon’s teeth. Though how she got him out, I’m not sure. Anyway, this surprisingly recent festival has a number of phallic-focused events including parading giant dongs literally enshrined in Shinto shrines (try saying that three times fast), and selling penis and vagina-shaped candies to children.
So it’s fun for the whole family, right?
The dream of the fisherman’s wife
Speaking of Japanese expressions of sexuality, not to mention the way they expose their genitalia, it wouldn’t be a list of this nature without mentioning the origins of tentacle porn. Hentai is famous for this, and while it technically got a boost because of 20th-century government censorship, this fetish is at least a century older.
From what I have learned, The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife is based on a popular tale from the Edo Period. However, rather than fight the octopus, the story’s heroine makes love to it in the painting. Or she is violated by it; it depends on your interpretation and which art critic you listen to.
I look at it and see a woman in the throes of ecstasy while having her octo-pussy eaten out and, for lack of a better term, tentacled by a human-sized octopus. For all of you hentai fans, this 1814 painting is the one which started it all. Enjoy.
Kama Sutra & the Khajuraho monuments
I’m sure most of you guys are familiar with the epic Kama Sutra, and if you have the physique and want to spice up your sex life, this is a great book to read.
Anyway, if the descriptions and illustrations aren’t enough, there are several hundred statuettes of tantric sex rituals that feature all kinds of fascination positions often involving multiple partners. Think you’ve seen body punishing sex in modern porn? You ain’t seen nothing yet.
The phallic Savior in the Vatican
Ever thought that the Roman Church has been trying to cover something up? Well, they have, sort of, but not been doing a very good job at it.
If you think of erotic art in the Vatican, you often think of groups of Rubenesque women, ripped naked men, and scantily clad cherubs. On that last one, I’m not a sick fuck who is into that, but it is the capital of the Catholic church, so I guess it makes sense.
However, hidden within the bowels of Vatican City, there is a bust based on a series of puns that I have to tip my hat to. In the gospel of Matthew, the disciple Peter denies Jesus three times before the rooster crows. Then like now, the term Peter or Pete is a slang term for cock.
Consequently, the symbol of St. Peter is a rooster, and speaking of roosters, another term for them, as I’m sure most of you know, is cock. So, it seems that someone came along (no pun intended this time) and decided to make, or maybe take, a bronze statue of a man’s body with a dick-nosed rooster’s head.
I mean, just think about that. In the so-called “holy” city, there is a bust of a man with the head of a cock…with a cock as a beak. And to make things even funnier, the Greek at the base of the bust translates as “Savior of the World.”
According to what I have read, the high-ranking Catholics and scholars have known about this for centuries, but their lips have remained sealed about this scandalous statue. One can only wonder why…
ThePornDude’s final words
Those were my favorite examples of pre-photograph porn, but I’m sure there are more out there. Got any other samples that I should add to this post send me a message. If you want some more modern examples of strange erotic entertainment, I have two lists: my top nine funny sites, and a collection of a dozen premium fetish pages.
