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A touching, heartfelt story about going viral, getting betrayed and receiving a fuckton of cock pics. We didn’t expect this. No one did. There was no way we could have predicted this. It happened overnight and we’re still trying to keep up with the surge of new people on Discord who’ve come to make friends and share smut with each other. The Porn Dude Discord server is the success we didn’t know we wanted.
The Calm Before the Storm
The 12th of March 2023 – that was the day. Hundreds of people came together to post pictures of cocks and spout the n-word. No wait, it gets good I promise!
It was a drab and quiet night. I was up in my fap shack having a tug, as usual. I was getting ready for bed. Then, the sirens went off. We were on red alert. My porn minions called me on the emergency PornDude line:
Sir! Our Discord! It’s being pounded by cocks of unknown origin!
To which I replied:
We have a Discord server?
As it turns out, I ordered that a PornDude discord server be made ages ago, when that confusing mess of an app first took off. I don’t like the sound of middle-aged men screaming profanities in my ear while I play video games, so naturally I wanted nothing to do with that platform, at first. That fateful day, everything changed.
Sir! We’re trending on Twitter. Everyone’s flocking to our Discord server, posting cocks and screaming obscenities! What do we do!? – shouted my cronies.
I said:
To arms, men! We must defend our good name! We must stand in the name of masturbation, oral fixation and deep anal penetration!
Initial (Deep) Impact
The 13th of March 2023 – a few hours into the fray.
So, we took bravely to the server, myself and my various compadres and we dared to jump into our then only voice channel, to see what the fuss was all about. This proved to be … uncomfortable. Have you ever been in an all-male sauna at a second-rate spa? The smells, the sounds, the deep discomfort of drowning in other men’s balls? That’s what we felt, except it was all blasting through our ear drums. Thank you, voice chat. Nice job. I deeply regret the invention of the microphone.
The new fans were coming in faster than we could count them. The server member count was skyrocketing, and we didn’t even have a system in place to track it. I don’t know shit about Discord, damn it. All I know is there are hundreds of fappers here and they’re dying to make a statement. That statement appeared to have been: “We’re straight and we really love posting cocks”.
A bit of a side note here, I have nothing against cocks, you know I have a gay porn review website. It’s the absurdity that gets me – hundreds of straight men posting nothing but gigantic schlongs is… well it’s counter intuitive. Whatever, it was making me famous. I wasn’t about to complain about it.
The Goon Uprising
The 14th of March 2023 – A society started to form
You probably all know this but, if you leave sperm in an organic environment for long enough, a colony starts to form. You can do the same thing with week old yogurt. Leave it out long enough and a culture develops. I call this cum science. As it turns out, given a long enough time and sufficient exposure to cock pics, humans can develop cultures too. I found this very surprising. The folks on our Discord server had started to … evolve, culturally. If there are any fellow anthropologists in the audience, get in on this case study. If you get hundreds of cringe perverts in one place at the same time and lock them in, they eventually turn into decent people … or something. Cum science. And so, from the ashes a movement was born.
Meanwhile, over at ThePornDudeHQ …
(Our building is two blocks down from The Baxter Building, do not send cum to our mailboxes anymore, please.)
We were struggling to keep up with the influx of new members. Our first priority was establishing a framework, a list of channels if you will. People needed choices. So, we did the standard Discord spiel. We made all kinds of welcome channels and conversation channels, but the real fun was to be had in the so called SFW channel, which stands for safe for work but really just translates to “No cocks”. You can still curse in SFW, but at least you can get a word in edgewise. It’s more than I can say for the NSFW channel, which remained the default. To this day, it’s cock central. We’re not going to change that. The people want what they want.
The Great Empire of Goon
The Ides of March (That means the 15th. Keep up).
I took a few hours to sleep after we knew the server was definitely going to survive the night. We made sure to give mod privileges to a few of our most chatty members, so that there’s at least some semblance of order in the server. Mostly we were just making sure that minors, transphobes and racists were kicked out of the server as fast as possible. The mods did a decent job of this.
I woke up the next day and immediately jumped on Discord, skipping my customary morning fap ritual. I was hooked. I had to know what the community was saying to me and about me. I’ve always been a celebrity, but you fucks never actually write back. You come, you see, you fap and you abandon me until you need to get another fix. Look at me, sounding like a clingy girlfriend. Look, I like that we have our little parasocial relationship, you and me. It’s always been that way and I’m not going to change. I promise. The Discord is just… a different world with vastly different rules.
Speaking of rules, I broke one… about 1123 times. I didn’t know. People kept sending me messages asking about the server and I just … sent them the link. This is apparently a big no-no on Discord. I got banned. Permanently. I had to exist on the server in spirit for a week before I could get back on properly. Luckily, in the meantime, I had a bunch of loyal subjects to do my bidding in the server. Again, they were mostly weeding out bigots and making sure that people were having a good time.
Burnt Down, to the Ashes
The 16th of March 2023 – A clusterfuck, a traitor, a crisis and a renaissance
I didn’t sleep well that night. I dreamt of betrayal. Visions of Brutusus, Judases and Benedict Arnolds haunted my mind. I awoke and, in a stupor, reached for my phone. I had to see them again, my loyal followers. Alas, all there was, as far as the eye could see… the word “N****r”. (I’m not going to say it out loud and you can’t make me)
One of the mods… one of MY mods that I personally vetted and approved of. One of the people that I trusted with my holy domain … betrayed me. And for what!? For… the… lulz. A thousand and two hundred people died that day. Well, not really they just got banned from the server and we got them all back, but it’s still a fucking tragedy, ok!? Who would do something like that… just go on the internet and troll people?
There were only about a dozen of us left after the massacre. I can still hear the resignation in their voices as they said to me:
Boss… PornDude… they hurt us. They hurt us bad. You weren’t here. We called you, we needed your help, but you weren’t here.
I had abandoned my men all in the name of getting 8 hours of sleep. If I had only been more like Napoleon, if only I had napped on the battlefield and stayed there for my compatriots, ready for action… But alas, the enemy waited until I slept and they burned everything down.
We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and got back to work.
Picking Through the Ashes
The 16th of March 2023 – It was a long fucking day, ok?
One of my mods might have been a backstabber but the others, my god, the others. They stood valiantly. They fought the good fight, even while they knew they were going to lose and they rallied with me after I awoke, to put everything back in its place.
It didn’t take long until we were in the pipe, five by five. The server was restored to its former glory and then some. We even took the time to add a bunch of security features, automated bots that improved people’s experience and all kinds of little optimizations to take The PornDude Discord server into its second era, which would hopefully be longer than the first.
The Phoenix, Stronger than Ever
The 17th of March 2023 – Fighting for the right to goon and the will to love!
From having lost all of our members, to having 300 people back, all in a day. Then, we started growing almost exponentially. It’s been… a magical time. Plus, the initial purge inadvertently cleared the server of any asshats who initially joined to fuck shit up. So, our sweetheart to dick ratio was better than ever. But that’s not the best part of it all.
The best part is that this server, through no real credit of my own, became a welcoming place for people of all colors, sizes, shapes, denominations, genders, species, galaxies, dimensions and religions. We all became … allies, by default, simply because we took the time to appreciate one another and give everyone time to speak. Also, we posted cocks. A lot of cocks. We never stopped posting cocks. Heck, I even threw in some AI bots so that people can make original cocks if they’d like. These bots they actually used for making pussies. I can’t fucking satisfy these people. You give them pussy, they post cock. You give them AI, they post pussy. I don’t understand young people.
The Future of Goon
Today… in the now
I’m so grateful for the shit these people have done on my Discord server. I couldn’t have done it without them. They’re amazing people. Every day I jump in to see what kind of crazy shenanigans they’re up to. Some days they post cocks, other days they post cocks and debate international politics. You never know what you’re going to get with your cocks on this server!
Thank you, my loyal fans, for building the greatest Discord server I’ve ever had the pleasure of being in. Thank you for all the jokes, the laughs and even the scary times. I hope this server continues to grow. I hope that the power of faps will unite people from around the globe around a common goal. We’re all here to have fun. We’re all here to fap. We’re all here to laugh, cry, talk, whine, whinge and moan. And of course, we’re going to fap again afterwards.
