We talk about porn, adult entertainment news, and other sex-related stuff almost on a fucking daily on this blog. However, there is one thing I think I’ve neglected all this time: how to score some action.Now, as you all know, suave and sexy motherfuckers like myself have never had a problem getting plenty of poonany or penis. And I’m certain that for the rest of you, that’s true also. But in the days of desperate virgins, socially awkward folks, and violent incels, there seem to be several groups of people who just can’t seem to get any.
Ignoring my own track record, I find this super-duper strange since there are so many tools and tips out there nowadays. However, in the interest of helping my fellow wo/men, I thought I’d do my civic duty and bestow my wisdom on how to get sex in almost no time at all.
Here is what not to do
To be thorough, there’s a lot of ground we have to cover. But before we get into what to do, we have to discuss what not to do. Even with all of the good info out there, I’ve seen way too much misinformation floating around in society on the web.
Just expecting it to happen and using pick up lines
Most of these points are obvious still worth bringing up, the first one being: you ain’t entitled to shit. This is a problem that I’ve found a lot of introverts and shy people have, but you can’t hold back when flirting. That doesn’t mean you should be annoying over overly aggressive, but sitting in a nightclub and casually catching someone’s eyes isn’t going to cut it. So, while respecting all of the standard social graces, get after her, or him, or both of them.
This is one I thought everyone knew in since their school days, but no one likes pickup lines – especially the ladies. Not only are most lines, even the ones delivered as jokes, are remarkably cheesy. They are also the most cliché behavior of a barfly douchebag with no game. So, no matter how good you think it sounds, using pick up artist rhetoric sucks.
Being too macho
Speaking of pick up artist moves, that whole community and the mystery method is full of shit. You all know I’m a sarcastic and crass motherfucker who has no problem being opinionated, but I’m not an asshole to intimidate people. This is exactly what pick up artists, and mystery men do.
To be specific, besides dressing like rejects from The Village People, these guys harass women in public and expect their wingmen to back them up in getting their bros laid. They’re not above lying about themselves to try to impress, and I mean far more than exaggerating their income or dick size.
Another thing to remember is if you’re a guy, you can come off as being too manly in a dominant way. While everyone’s preferences are different, and most chicks dig dominant dudes. However, that’s not a reason to come off as some sort of aggressive neanderthal. Not only can it get you in trouble with the law, and at best, you’ll come off as a jerk no one wants to fuck with.
Being too coy
A lot of fuckers enjoy a chase, men in particular. However, there is a difference between being aloof but self-aware and fending off someone’s advances even when you are into someone else. Often people can do this without thinking or because they are super nervous since some thot is hitting on them. But still, I can tell you that being too distant then coming back to hit on someone is incredibly confusing, even annoying.
To put it in short, no one likes an accidental tease! Leading a potential lover on a prurient pursuit can be fun for some people, but don’t push your luck if you’re in doubt.
This is another degree wherein the difference between being extreme enough or too much can be hard to figure out how far is far enough. But as a general rule, reciprocating with light but playful above-the-belt touching can be an excellent subconscious but effective way to show you’re into the touchy.
Now how to get started
With all of the shit to avoid, let’s look at strategies to employ. Again, a lot of these should be obvious, but I have found a ton of people still don’t know how to utilize these tactics when looking for a playmate. With that said, pay careful attention and learn well.
Remember to always look your best
As anyone who has read just a few of my review articles on alternative, fetishistic, and other forms of niche erotic know that there’s a lid for every pot. Unless you are completely oblivious, it’s not hard for people in the “real” world to get laid no matter their race, body type, or whatever kinky shit they are into.
With that put out there, these people still have to look and act in an attractive manner. I’ve known guys and gals who range from thicc to super chunky who get sex regularly. However, they are careful not to smell like shit. Clearly, there is no shortage of people of different hair, eye, and skin colors, but I’ve found that all of them don’t explore too deep into stereotypes – assuming they do at all (!) – at least upon first meeting.
And when it comes to people who are into kink, there are more avenues to explore all of the fetishes. Those that are into non-vanilla fucking still adhere to the general guidelines: safe, sane, and consensual.
What’s the theme of all of this?
All of these sorts of sexual people know who to present themselves to others, and it pays off with dividends. No matter how good-looking or ugly you think you are, always look your best, practice good hygiene, and be confident! No matter what the person you’re courting is into, being self-assured is universally one of the sexiest traits you can have.
A decent way to strike up a conversation with a prospective partner is the new, old-fashioned way: social media pages. Through Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and the like, you can have casual conversations with distant and close friends who you might fancy. With these private channels, you can get a feel for someone you might want to bump uglies with. And if it doesn’t work out, no one has to be embarrassed.
Moving on, I’m sure most of you have heard of these dedicated hookup apps. But to cover all of my bases, I’ll give you a quick rundown on the top social media platforms which you’ll have the best luck on:
Adult Friend Finder – Check out my review to see more about what I’ve said about this website in detail, but I’ll do a quick sum up. This is a phenomenal place to go to get access to thousands or more profiles of singles, couples, and other freaky people in your area. There are multiple ways to search for people no matter what gender or sexuality you are into. You can upload pictures, live cam, and insta-chat with other users, so you’re virtually guaranteed to hook up with at least a couple of people within a few hours. Hell, put the time in and present well, and you could get a couple of dozen dames and/or dudes wanting to do a dirty dalliance with you.
Tinder – It’s free to get, the premium version ain’t too pricey, and it’s probably the most common way people meetup these days. Compared to Adult Friend Finder, the cost of getting paid account costs less than half. By the way, if you are looking for a guide on how to properly leverage Tinder, I’ve got a special blog on that, too.
Ok Cupid – Alright, you’re likely not going to get a bevy of suitors looking for sex right away. However, the advantage of using a program like this is that you are far more likely to find someone who is a match with you on a deeper level. The reason for this is because Ok Cupid is optimized for singles who are ready to mingle and looking for compatible people by matching folks up based on what they are into when it comes to courting.
Grindr – Being the gay version of Tinder – and really the original version – this is the place to go if you’re a dude looking for a guy or trans person to lick your stick. Some people bitch that there are a lot of flakes, which I’ve heard is true. However, I have it on good authority that this is the best gay hookup app on the market. The reason for this isn’t just due to the fact that there are millions of global users. You can upload pictures of yourself, trade them with chat mates, and search for others on a global scale. In the event that Grindr has put a bad taste in your mouth, similar apps you should consider are Scruff, Hornet, and Gay Friend Finder.
Hit up your local watering hole
It may be a go-to move – because, you know, it is – but going to a popular pub, bar, or nightclub is an excellent way to get started finding a little loving. In big cities, in particular, most modern alcohol-serving establishments tend to be rather niche, so you’ve got a good idea of what kind of crowd you are in for before you get there. Just remember not to get too plastered. No matter how debonair or dainty you are, no one likes a sloppy drunk.
When in doubt, ask friends for help
There’s nothing wrong with asking friends for help if you’re in a hard spot. I would recommend being a bit tactful and not opening up with, “Hey, I’m looking to get laid. Do you know anyone?” I suppose if you think that will work, then maybe it’s not a bad idea. But anyway, leverage the contacts you’ve got; you never know what good fortune you may have.
Just a tip to all of the guys out there who are looking for a lovely lass: don’t use wingmen. It may sound like a good idea, but it’s a bad gambit from what I’ve found. Instead, if you’re looking for some backup to help your game, approach some ladies with some gal pals of your own or even a dog.
Believe me, it may not sound like it, but bitches love that shit.
How to broach the topic
Now that we’ve gone over the prep work, there’s the whole issue of sending or giving the official invite.
Know what you’re getting before you’re getting busy
This vital if you want to have fun, and you find someone online, get pictures of the person you want to pound before going forward. Believe me; there is nothing worse than thinking you’re up for a hot hump session only to find that the hottie you were going to get with is fugly.
Of course, to maximize your chances of getting laid, you should have your own set of recent, sexy photos. One thing you should be careful of is giving away too much personal information. There are some seeming thots who are psychos or scammers interested only in getting money or (worse) pulling you into some creepy co-dependent relationship.
Know your goddamn status
Even more important, get your health situation in order before the big event. It’s common courtesy to know your status well beforehand, so get a sexual disease test. And if you do have a sex bug, clean that shit up before banging. Fortunately, these days, most infections can be taken care of with some cheap or free medication and should be out of your system in about a week or so.
Naturally, make sure that your hookup is tested and cleared to go as well. If she or he says they are in a good state of health, it’s still a good idea to protect the both of you with all of the best condoms and lubricants.
Prepping for the big night…or a day or whenever
And now we are nearly at the climax of this not so short getting sex tutorial. Just because you have managed to get someone to come over doesn’t mean you’ve sealed the deal. Being just as charming, leading up to the main event as you were during the warmup is critical.
It’s good to be loose but not sloppy
Trying to relax – especially if it’s your first time ever or even in a while – can ruin the mood. Without being good to go mentally speaking, sex can be unpleasurable, even super painful. Indeed, being awkward or tense can make it nearly impossible to get aroused at all.
I could advocate deep breathing or meditation, and those could be effective, to be fair. But there are some far cheaper ways to relax. A glass of wine or a good stout should be enough to chill the hell out before the big event. Not saying that you should if it’s illegal where you live, but some good ganja does the trick as well.
With all of that suggested, do not overdo it. Too much of the sauce can lead to some mean whiskey dick, lead to risky risque activities or other unideal complications. I’ll also point out that using some cognitive enhancers can lighten your hookup’s mood, but definitely don’t overdo it there either. After all, you don’t want to be involved in a #MeToo situation.
Generally speaking, it’s not too difficult to get a guy to cum, but females can be a bit more tricky. To get more fantastic info on how to get a girl to the euphoric moment, I’ve got you covered on this blog.
A scented candle or something similar can’t help
Cleaning up with a good shower should be mandatory, along with thoroughly refreshing any genitalia or orifices that will come into play. It is a good idea to skip on flossing or brushing your teeth too hard. Going at it in the mouth might cause oral bleeding, which could ruin the experience. While rare, this can lead to the exchange of more than just spit. Depending on what you’re doing, you might swap some nasty diseases, too.
It is conventional, but setting the mood with music and some lovely scents can do wonders. I wouldn’t do too much of that, of course. And there are a few traditions I’d break with. As a rule, if you’re doing something more on the romantic side, like enjoy a meal, I’d hold off a bit. If you want to enjoy oral action and certainly if you’re going to play around back, fuck first, feast second. Even if you’re doing it penis-in-vagina style, this is the schedule I would set up.
Here is some more advice
Getting a good lay can be awesome, but it can be enhanced in a few other ways once you’ve got a consistent hookup or, even better, acquire a whole harem. I’ve blogged somewhat about this topic already, but there are a couple of points I should cover.
Feeling confident? Advertise your amorous interests online
Once you’ve got the advice, I’ve given you nailed down, shot it from the rooftops. Actually, it would be better if you shared it online with all your friends. That would help me a lot, but bragging a bit about your sexual prowess on the interwebs can aid you a good deal as well.
Besides joining up on the websites and apps I’ve already endorsed, it doesn’t hurt to join up with even more. And if your fuckmate is super into you, you might want to get a joint app account. If you do, there’s a good chance that you’ll be able to wrangle a threesome or maybe even indulge in an orgy or two.
Give porn a chance; Just be careful
I think you can get some awesome advice on maximizing your next sexual encounter with porn. Let’s not forget that adult entertainment thrives on being as creative as possible, never running out of new ways how people can get their fuck on.
But I will say that there are some things to keep in mind if you do look up a porno or two when you put these skills to use.
Consent is key; don’t just whip the chains and wax out without warning. There’s nothing more dumb or dangerous than assuming your lay is into the same stuff as you without some kind of discussion.
When you look at mainstream porn, you are seeing professionals who are paid to fuck. Just because they can bend themselves into pretzels mean that your significant other can, too. My advice would be to take things slow, especially if this is your first time.
Listen to your own body, too, even if you’ve got your hookup swinging from the chandeliers and screaming in ecstasy, if you’re in pain, it ain’t worth it. If you are going to risk long-term injury – even if you are giving your guy or gal a great orgasm – it definitely is a no-deal situation.
As per usual, if you are looking for what “real” people look like when they fuck you should look up my personal favorite amateur porn sites. I’m certain you will be pleased with what you see.
ThePornDude wants to know if you scored
Anyway, I hope (and know) that these tips will be of assistance to you. When it does happen for you, let me know how it goes. I love hearing about people’s time getting laid. And if you end up taking a video, even better. Should I receive enough recordings of your raunchy encounters, we might start a website or something.
Whatever happens, have fun hunting – and more importantly – have fun fucking.
